How the Shit do I Make It Do That Thing In This Game

I have the feeling that a lot of posts are going to start with "How the Shit [do I blah blah grr aghgh uhhh blarg]."

So I'm only RELATIVELY dexterous. I've totally worked on a really delicate part of a painting or drawing and dropped my paintbrush or pencil right in the middle of the piece and made a big dumb line right through whatever I'm painting or drawing. I've totally spilled stuff on stuff. I've totally let my wallet fall out of my hands into a fetid puddle of stank in the street. I've totally eaten shit on stairs in public. When it came time to build up my controller skills, I was a little hesitant. I knew it wasn't going to be like back in the day at the arcade smashing buttons on Centipede or conking the sticky joystick around on Pac-Man, where you're kind of grounded into the game. I think those of us who grew up pre-console have to kind of work a little harder at it unless you do it aaaaaaall the time.

I've spent some time asking the gods, then: how the shit do I make it do that thing? You know, that one thing it just did a second ago? Where I think I hit one button but maybe I was also hitting another button and shoving the left joystick over and wiggling the right joystick and, uh, alternating that with hitting another button? I have sincere respect for gamers who are so casually capable at manhandling a controller that they never have to look down. Like, EVER.

The more I practice, though, the less I'm muscling my way through and the more my own cognitive dexterity starts to kick in and drive the situation. Every time I realize I'm doing something because I remembered how to do it, or randomly tried it and it worked, it's a little victory. In fact, I'd say it's a bit thrilling, like hitting a line drive or putting an arrow into the ten ring for the first time. And then I MADE IT DO THAT THING. Hell YEAH I did!

Now I just have to do it a bajillion times more.